NEW ELEMENT KEEPS GROWING - SLOWS OTHERS

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists
at the NRC Research Centre.  The element, tentatively named "administratium,"
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of "0."  However,
it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 11
assistant vice-neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 212.  These 212
particles are held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the
continuous exchange of unstable, meson-like particles called "morons."

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert.  However, it can be
detected chemically since it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoveres, a minute amout of administratium caused a reaction
to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than
one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange
places.

Some studeies have shown that the atomic weight usually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as
universities, government agencies, and large corporations, and can actually
be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is
allowed to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to determine how administratium
can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are
not promising.