COMPUTER DAFFY-NITIONS

RESOLUTION: What you need to purchase a $3,000.00 
        computer that you know will be obsolete before you 
        finish paying for it.

READ ONLY MEMORY: Memory that is so expensive you 
        can only read about it.

MULTI-MEDIA: Reading the newspaper while watching 
        cartoons on television and listening to Rush 
        Limbaugh on the radio.

MONITOR: What your boss is probably doing to your 
        network e-mail messages.

NET-WORK: What Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul Jabaar 
        and Michael Jordan are famous for.

MOUSE PAD: Where Mickey takes Minnie after the cartoon 
        is over.

RAM-CACHE: Money you spend to increase your computer's 
        memory capacity.

MEMORY CHIPS: Available in barbecue, sour cream and 
        onion, and the ever popular regular flavor.

DIP SWITCH: When someone replaces your onion dip with 
        that cheap bean dip everyone hates.

STATIC RAM: Memory chips that just sit in a drawer 
        somewhere because they aren't compatible with your 
        latest upgrade.

HARD DRIVE: The 460 yard par 4 17th hole at Pebble Beach.

ARCHIVE: A nest of buzzing stinging arcs.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE: The language used to describe how 
        to put bicycles,swing sets and other large objects 
        together. Probably a derivative of non-linear B, which 
        has never been translated to English.

BACKUP: What your spouse makes you do when you stop in 
        front of the computer shop.

KEYBORED: That lazy feeling you get after three hours 
        of retyping your company's quarterly report.

MOUSE-CLIQUE: Uppity computer users who brag about 
        their mouse-compatible computers.

MEGA-BITE: The chunk of money removed from your wallet 
        when you bought your computer.

PRO-GRAM: A grandmother who has renounced her amateur status.

AUTOMATRON: A programmable grandmother.

RE-CURSION: What a programmer does (says) when his program repeatively 
	doesn't work.

======================================================================

COMPUTER TERMS - TEXAS TRANSLATION:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer "c'mon in, y'all"
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can't 'member what ya paid fer the rifle