Absurd Warning Labels

On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place."

On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.

On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will 
replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97.

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake.

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological 
warranties express or implied.

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image 
of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear.

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, 
phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

And Last: On The N.Y. Times: Do not cut up and use for ransom note.


CD Player: Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult.

Fireplace Log: Caution -- Risk of Fire.

35mm Camera: When operating the selector dial with your eye to the viewfinder, 
care should be taken not to put your finger in your eye accidentally.

Baby Stroller: Remove child before folding.

Public Toilet: Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

Electric Router: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

13-inch Wheel for Wheelbarrow: Not intended for highway use.

Bathroom Heater: This product is not to be used in bathrooms.

Pepper Spray (self-defense): May irritate eyes.

Fireplace Lighter: Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.

Laser Printer Cartridge: Do not eat toner.

Underarm Deodorant: Caution: Do not spray in eyes.

Wind-proof Beach Towel: This towel has been tested to withstand 
significantly strong winds.  But please be advised that during a 
hurricane or other severe weather conditions this product should 
not be used to secure yourself or anything of value.

Firewood for sale, never been used.